Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
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I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.