The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
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GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Is this the real life?
Is this just