Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
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you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.