Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
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the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
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[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*