If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
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Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”