i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it
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ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.