I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
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My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Autocarrot sucks!
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?