Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
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How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!