I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
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“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.