A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
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Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.