14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
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I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
channeling her this year
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.