“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
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My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
When you’re here for the treats.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)