I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
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Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
there’s probably a fee though
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Sniffing the broccoli
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house