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Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
#Caturday
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.