Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
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I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
I need to update my racial profile.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.