Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
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2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.