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HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Love is always patient and kind.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.