It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
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I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
had to make it
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet