I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
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Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
doing your own taxes
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.