Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
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My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.