COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
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Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
road rage
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Des Moines Police having a normal one