All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
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GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Nothing to do, you say?
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!