When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
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“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
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rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it