“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
You Might Also Like
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand