Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
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Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
#winning
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]