I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
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When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.