[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
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Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
I’m having an out of money experience.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad