“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
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*Inspirational Tweets*
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
i baked you a cake
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
when you don’t want to be too vague
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Yes, this is exactly right
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine