Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
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*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
Super Hand Dog Face
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Hotels are back
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy