Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
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Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.