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[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
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You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.