PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
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4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.