honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
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Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭