once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
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I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
New menu item
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
fixed it
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.