Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
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1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
If only.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.