Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
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Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Worth the read.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.