a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
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[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”