10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
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what’s the point then??
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy