I am also baked goods
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[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Oops
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
I just love that new Pope smell.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up