It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
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Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
this is the greatest thing ever
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.