Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
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friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Yes my dude
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it