A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
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Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.