I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
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My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.