[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
You Might Also Like
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
your elf on the shelf was delicious
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive