Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
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Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Got him!
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered