The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
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Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.