*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
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Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
all bases covered
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Batman v Dracula
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper