GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
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hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks