interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
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I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
they split up moments later