So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
You Might Also Like
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process